tears cry from my heart, as the blood drips from my eyes

my lonely heart is tired again, and i'm starved for her attention...

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 07:23:14 GMT

whenever i have an emotion this strong, i usually write a poem and it's over with.
but poems haven't been doing it lately.
especially with how i've felt.
like when i get done writing a poem, i read through it and i'm like "wow, that wasn't near as complex or in-depth as (whatever the feeling i was/am feeling)"
and it's annoying.
so i'm going to try something new.
i'm going to verbalize the feelings in my heart.
rather than write some cryptic poem that only i understand (like the one i just ripped up), i will voice my emotions.
i'm sure most of the time, i'll be voiceing them to Christ, but really, who better to talk to?
i miss her.
and it's not like if you move to japan and you miss in n out burgers. or if royal capital was to get demolished (which josh, that'd be pretty horrible.we need to get squid soon)
but it's like a chunk of my heart is missing.
maybe i'm just missing the chunk?
but the movies (memories, because remember i'm trying to be clear) that keep playing over and over in my head are just actions. they're memories. experiences shared. i'm not missing anything tangible. it's like i'm missing something that wasn't really there.
i can listen to the mixtapes every night, but that doesn't make things better.
just thinking of "how it used to be" doesn't make anything better. it doesn't really make anything worse either.

and it just hit me at this very second that i am coveting.
"thou shalt not covet."

but i can't help coveting any, and i mean any, moment of my past where i did not have tears streaming down my face.
i want to be held right now.
i want someone to tell me that they love me, and i want to feel it in my heart [like when he says it, when she says it, or how that other girl used to say it]
but even if someone was to call me to say "i love you kyle"
i wouldn't pick it up because my voice would be too choked up from these fucking tears in my eyes.

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 05:59:20 GMT

Time stops
And it's just us
Everything dissapears
Everyone
Dissapears
And there is you
Only you

Destination: KNOWN
Known to the one above
And only He
Knows
I find comfort in this
Knowing He's in control

I find comfort
Through you
When everyone dissapears
When it's just us

I find comfort
With you
When no one dissappears
And there's still an us.

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 05:53:04 GMT

To love you the way Christ did
Like God in the flesh
I don't want to love you like a man
For men are:
Perverts
Hypocrits
Liars
Deceivers
Christ's love is perfected
His love is kind;
patient
fearless
forgiving
enduring
sensitive
yes,
That's how I will love you

I will save my heart
My BODY
For you my love
Through Christ,
I will resist temptation
Because you don't deserve the love of just a man
But to be loved like Christ loves you

I will give myself to you
And our souls, each only a half
Will meet,
And become as one

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 05:49:34 GMT

I long to give you a rose
Because roses are my favorite
And because you are my favorite

I want to receive a sunflower
Because I know its your favorite
And because I want to be your favorite

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 05:47:59 GMT

Remember
Think back to your youth
Do you remember that new bike?
With the red paint job
And a little bell to ring

Or maybe for you
It was an action figure
Or even a doll
Remember

You treasured it
Loved it with all your heart
And for that instance
Everything dissapeared
Except you and your bike
Or whatever your passion was for the moment

I hope I'm not your new bike
Because remember...
You got tired of it
And found something new
Oh how you love me now
While I'm new and excited
But wait for it,
I'll get old to you
And you will discard me
Like the worthless vessel that I am

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 05:39:02 GMT

i want to hold His cross for Him
but instead
i drive the nails, deeper and deeper
traped in this wretched flesh

temptation
doubt
sloth
impurity
anger

i cannot wait untill i get the new body i am promised. scar free, sin free, immortal.

i hate my flesh, i hate the desires of my flesh. i hate self-consciousness. i hate self-mutilation. i hate sympathy. i hate scars. i hate name-calling. i hate self-loathing. i hate this world. i hate lucifer. i hate sin. i hate sinning. i hate that i sin.

heartache

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 05:21:24 GMT

Tonight I could not take it
Those words were like the ones engraved upon my leg
Causing me heartache
Now engraved upon my mind

Sure I can put on my mask
But now that I’m gone
I know I shed those tears
You didn’t look down
But I know
I know it hurt

You asked to bear the burdens of the world
But I want to be on your shoulders holding those burdens
Pretending to you that you are holding them all
So you can still be strong, cause you are so strong
But I don’t want to you be strong
Cause strength comes from pain
And I want to feel all of your pain
Not with you, but for you

.me.selfish.my.

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 06:52:13 GMT

at the sound of the click
i hoped it was a gun
at the sound of this click
was an echo of a shatter

my weak emotions shattering on the floor
my need to bleed out the pain, resurfacing
my need to lean on someone stronger, not being met
my needs, why does it always have to be about me?
why do i feel the need to always make it about me?

1:45, tomarrow
i'll talk to the nice man
maybe he'll meet my needs
maybe he'll expand them

i should go to bed before i start crying, i really am quite a pussy. but i'm not going to cry tonight, i decided that earlier. i haven't cried much lately, i'm really not allowed to.

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 05:59:30 GMT

excuse my language because i try my best to stray away from such degrading language:

i honestly feel like shit. i feel like i mean shit. i feel like i'm less important than a trip down the stairs. i feel like i'm less important than a stupid screen saver. maybe i am.

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 23:42:06 GMT

the whole drive home
emotions were paralyzed
stuck in this state
this rut

i looked at each and every car
hoping they'd sideswipe me
through each intersecting
i prayed they'd come at me

from the left side preferably
a direct hit to the driver side

and i saw that girl
walking home from her elementary school
so very lonely
she was talking to her own self

i wish i could have been the one
she shared that conversation with
cause loneliness is a plague
she's too young to get infected

so so sorry

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 03:13:15 GMT

i dont know how i manage to fail you time and time again. i have come to a solid conclusion that i am a bad human being, if not for jesus, i would appear as nothing but worthless to God. i just dont know, i'm pretty sad right now.

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 00:38:11 GMT

i dont feel very wanted right now. i actually feel quite unapreciated. i'm very sad. i punched a cement wall a few times and my hand is bleeding. at least i didn't cut myself right? no! i'm still so weak that i have to take my poor emotions out through physical pain.

worthless.

Bleeding

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 19:40:58 GMT

Why can’t I swallow my pride?
Suck this up and stop the bleeding
I want to call
But does she want me to call
I bleed internally
And a simple phone call could work as a cleansing band-aid
I cry externally
And a simple conversation would work for a wiping tissue
Flash backs of razor blades
I see these nights of tears
Over and over again
They’re here again
But the razors are not
If I can’t solve this
I will loose my mind
I don’t like crying
But all the same I can’t stop it

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 08:34:33 GMT

I'm sorry.

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 08:30:30 GMT

i feel like cancer
plaguing those who love me
I'll feed off of your happiness
To supply my selfishness

He demands selflessnes
But I bring Him nothing
I bring all of you nothing
So why do you care

Is there anybody who needs me as much as I need them?
Does anybody care if I die? Cause I don't, and neither does He.
Sleep, enjoy the pleasure I am not blessed with
Enjoy your rest because depression will hit us all

I will fail
My faith
My morals
My beliefs
My promises
My edge
My emotions
I will fail

The Light

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 10:34:27 GMT

Tonight the one i love was having a hard time. i decided to walk to her house; i cannot wait untill the day when we never have to be alone/apart from each other. she ended up falling asleep so i layed down in this little patch of flowers (btw, they smelled beautifully) and stared at the stars. i noticed a street lamp about 10 feet away that was flickering and sort of struggling to stay lit. it eventually died out but then lit back up only to be brighter than it was ever before it's struggle. this probably sounds dumb, but i can relate my life to this street lamp. i am almost to the point of my light/fire for God going out, but i'm just starting to come back around. any day now, i will shine the light of jesus brighter than i ever have. thank you God for Jesus, and thank you Jesus for all that you did. not only did you save me, but you saved the ones i love, the thought of them going to hell makes me sick to my stomach. thank you for showing me the meaning of love Jesus.

I lie, watching this street lamp flicker
Struggling to continue life
Fading slowly to a dimly lit bulb
Eventually coming to a complete darkness
Sulked up in the black of night
Life is gone, hope as well

For some reason,
The lamp will not give in to death, failure

From the depths of this coma
Life shoots back into this soldier
The light shines once again

I wont give up, this soldier's not done

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 18:28:02 GMT

I could die
No one would care - but you would mourn
I could commit suicide
No one would notice I'm gone - but you would cry
I could slit my wrists
No one would care - but you would stop me
I could move away
No one would notice I'm gone - but you would come with me
I could fail
No one would care - but you would be proud of me for trying
I could quit the band
No one would notice I'm gone - but you would stop listening to them
I could be lonely
No one would care - but you would drop everything to be with me
I could stop going to church
No one would notice I'm gone but you would bring me back

I could be alone forever
No one would care - but you, you decide not to let that happen

Until Then

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 16:45:25 GMT

i haven't posted here in a while, and i'm pretty sure nobody reads this, i guess it's just for my own peace of mind. if you see something and like it, feel free to comment.

God has not given up on me
The problem.
I’ve given up on myself

God is not dead
The problem.
I let my faith die long ago

I am not
God’s unwanted child
He did not die
So that I could fall away
I’ll come back
From this path I’ve gone astray

I’m sorry God
Sorry for waiting so long
I’m so sorry
Sorry that I’m not done waiting

But I swear…
I’ll come back

Until then…thank you for her

In A Rush

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 02:10:46 GMT

I will make up for lost time
Tonight I will make it up
For all the time you were busy
I’ll make up every second
With a cut

Each cut
With significance

One for every second you spent with him
I hope you enjoy seeing me bleed
Because I know it feels good for me
It feels better than any emotion you’ve ever given me
It feels better than any sensation you’ve forced on me

This could have been avoided
If you would have just talked
Made things right
Why the confrontation
Does it make you feel powerful
To make me hurt

Cuts for every second
Cuts for being a bad boyfriend
Maybe if I make you feel bad for me
You won’t realize how bad a boyfriend I am
So I’ll give you this distraction
As if it was your fault
Look at the blood
Its so beautiful

****I'm not going to cut so dont be worried, it is just a poem, describing how i feel****

Engravings Tell All

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 04:55:01 GMT

So here, I can try again
My attempt is over
Before it even starts
I’ve failed again

Proved myself worthless

Just like my leg
Engravings tell all
“I am worthless”
No you’re not
She says

But obviously I have no value to you
Or you wouldn’t take my tender emotions
Drag them on the asphalt behind you
As you drive on the streets
With signs reading
“One way street”

For you….

Love is a one way street
A street I wish I’d never gotten on
Cause you went the wrong way
And now I’m dead
Spiritually, emotionally
But physically, I can feel this, I can feel it well, I like it

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 04:14:24 GMT

i am updating on this journal because i know that too many people read the other one, what i say here would have probably been regreted on the other one. tonight i found out that "i am going to break up with ana when i leave for camp" recently i have found out a few things things such as: "i am going to meet lots of other girls this summer", "some of the girls that are my best friends, want me", "i am a liar and can't be trusted with important things", and "i handle bad situations poorly"

I hadn't planned on any of these, but ana has told me them all. i dont know if this is her way of telling me that she wants me to break up with her, or if she just plain doesn't trust me. i cannot stop the flow of tears right now, i dont cry, but it seems to me that it is the only alternative to more extreme outlets of emotional pain. i am holding in there, i hope i can be strong and survive a sleepless night without doing something stupid. daniel, you are such a good friend, i hope that your family is blessed and you marry a wonderful woman and you two are blessed and that you two are blessed with well behaved, good looking, NOT DEPRESSED children. life sux, but this is what happens when you have an alternative god, when you think about everything but him. i hope he doesn't cry when he see's the things i do, i hope i don't dissapoint him. i hope that someday i will be with him, i know this is bad but i question my salvation, i am such a hypocrite, such a liar. Hearing it all pounded into my head just makes me believe it, i try so hard to be a good person and make everyone happy but i have failed. i made her cry. i let myself cry. and i know i've probably made you worry. all these things, i accept the weight of the guilt.

Fragile

Fri, 28 May 2004 05:56:14 GMT

I gave you my heart

Wrapped carefully in a gift box

A card placed on top

But you ignored it

Like an eager little kid

Went straight for the present

And now you’ve missed the care

And destroyed my heart

The card was more than writing

More like directions

“Be careful…..

Since I can no longer control it

I give you my heart
Gift wrapped so gently

I hope you will treasure it

Handle carefully

Contents are fragile”

….But you ignored

My Body Won't Miss It

Fri, 28 May 2004 05:52:36 GMT

Last night I saw a correlation
Salty streams from my eyes
Thick rivers from my legs
My body lost fluid last night

Liquid

Clear drips from my eyes
Crimson drops from my wounds

So I’ll take this blade
Now stained from night after night
And do the deed
That soothes the pain

My weak mind
Cannot take these emotions
My body is too mature
I can handle that pain
More than handle it
I feign for it

My Best Friend

Wed, 26 May 2004 01:13:28 GMT

In a dark, windowless, doorless room
I sit.
Lost.
The temperature so low
Then why am I sweating?
Why am I bleeding?

A light.
Artificial sunlight

A glimmer
A beautiful blade
Someone to keep me company
A razor to show me the compassion that nobody else could

This is weighing my heart down
SLIT.
The load is lifted
SLIT…..slit, slit
I’m so thankful for my friend
A loyal, humble friend

What If I Screw Up?

Wed, 26 May 2004 01:10:17 GMT

And now depression has fallen upon me
Consumed me like a swift famine
I have few options
That bring happiness

When I’m with her
No one is happier than me
When I’m not with her
No one could be sadder

She’s there for me
But what about when I screw up with her?

She’s mad

So I’ll turn my back again
I’ll open this drawer
That lonely blade just sits
Waiting for me
My only true friend
This lonely boy
Waits for it