my lonely heart is tired again, and i'm starved for her attention... [24 Apr 2005|12:21am] [ mood | sad and sick ] [ music | copeland ] whenever i have an emotion this strong, i usually write a poem and it's over with. but poems haven't been doing it lately. especially with how i've felt. like when i get done writing a poem, i read through it and i'm like "wow, that wasn't near as complex or in-depth as (whatever the feeling i was/am feeling)" and it's annoying. so i'm going to try something new. i'm going to verbalize the feelings in my heart. rather than write some cryptic poem that only i understand (like the one i just ripped up), i will voice my emotions. i'm sure most of the time, i'll be voiceing them to Christ, but really, who better to talk to? i miss her. and it's not like if you move to japan and you miss in n out burgers. or if royal capital was to get demolished (which josh, that'd be pretty horrible.we need to get squid soon) but it's like a chunk of my heart is missing. maybe i'm just missing the chunk? but the movies (memories, because remember i'm trying to be clear) that keep playing over and over in my head are just actions. they're memories. experiences shared. i'm not missing anything tangible. it's like i'm missing something that wasn't really there. i can listen to the mixtapes every night, but that doesn't make things better. just thinking of "how it used to be" doesn't make anything better. it doesn't really make anything worse either. and it just hit me at this very second that i am coveting. "thou shalt not covet." but i can't help coveting any, and i mean any, moment of my past where i did not have tears streaming down my face. i want to be held right now. i want someone to tell me that they love me, and i want to feel it in my heart [like when he says it, when she says it, or how that other girl used to say it] but even if someone was to call me to say "i love you kyle" i wouldn't pick it up because my voice would be too choked up from these fucking tears in my eyes. 2 comments|post comment

[05 Dec 2004|09:53pm] Time stops And it's just us Everything dissapears Everyone Dissapears And there is you Only you Destination: KNOWN Known to the one above And only He Knows I find comfort in this Knowing He's in control I find comfort Through you When everyone dissapears When it's just us I find comfort With you When no one dissappears And there's still an us. post comment

[05 Dec 2004|09:49pm] To love you the way Christ did Like God in the flesh I don't want to love you like a man For men are: Perverts Hypocrits Liars Deceivers Christ's love is perfected His love is kind; patient fearless forgiving enduring sensitive yes, That's how I will love you I will save my heart My BODY For you my love Through Christ, I will resist temptation Because you don't deserve the love of just a man But to be loved like Christ loves you I will give myself to you And our souls, each only a half Will meet, And become as one post comment

[05 Dec 2004|09:48pm] I long to give you a rose Because roses are my favorite And because you are my favorite I want to receive a sunflower Because I know its your favorite And because I want to be your favorite post comment

[05 Dec 2004|09:39pm] Remember Think back to your youth Do you remember that new bike? With the red paint job And a little bell to ring Or maybe for you It was an action figure Or even a doll Remember You treasured it Loved it with all your heart And for that instance Everything dissapeared Except you and your bike Or whatever your passion was for the moment I hope I'm not your new bike Because remember... You got tired of it And found something new Oh how you love me now While I'm new and excited But wait for it, I'll get old to you And you will discard me Like the worthless vessel that I am post comment

[05 Dec 2004|09:38pm] i want to hold His cross for Him but instead i drive the nails, deeper and deeper traped in this wretched flesh temptation doubt sloth impurity anger i cannot wait untill i get the new body i am promised. scar free, sin free, immortal. i hate my flesh, i hate the desires of my flesh. i hate self-consciousness. i hate self-mutilation. i hate sympathy. i hate scars. i hate name-calling. i hate self-loathing. i hate this world. i hate lucifer. i hate sin. i hate sinning. i hate that i sin. post comment

heartache [22 Nov 2004|09:21pm] [ music | mewithoutyou- paper hanger ] Tonight I could not take it Those words were like the ones engraved upon my leg Causing me heartache Now engraved upon my mind Sure I can put on my mask But now that I’m gone I know I shed those tears You didn’t look down But I know I know it hurt You asked to bear the burdens of the world But I want to be on your shoulders holding those burdens Pretending to you that you are holding them all So you can still be strong, cause you are so strong But I don’t want to you be strong Cause strength comes from pain And I want to feel all of your pain Not with you, but for you post comment

.me.selfish.my. [06 Oct 2004|11:47pm] [ mood | distraut ] at the sound of the click i hoped it was a gun at the sound of this click was an echo of a shatter my weak emotions shattering on the floor my need to bleed out the pain, resurfacing my need to lean on someone stronger, not being met my needs, why does it always have to be about me? why do i feel the need to always make it about me? 1:45, tomarrow i'll talk to the nice man maybe he'll meet my needs maybe he'll expand them i should go to bed before i start crying, i really am quite a pussy. but i'm not going to cry tonight, i decided that earlier. i haven't cried much lately, i'm really not allowed to. post comment

[01 Oct 2004|10:59pm] [ mood | shit ] [ music | the little angel on my right, the little devil on the left ] excuse my language because i try my best to stray away from such degrading language: i honestly feel like shit. i feel like i mean shit. i feel like i'm less important than a trip down the stairs. i feel like i'm less important than a stupid screen saver. maybe i am. post comment

[30 Sep 2004|04:41pm] [ mood | eh ] [ music | symphony in peril- shadow over a bleeding heart ] the whole drive home emotions were paralyzed stuck in this state this rut i looked at each and every car hoping they'd sideswipe me through each intersecting i prayed they'd come at me from the left side preferably a direct hit to the driver side and i saw that girl walking home from her elementary school so very lonely she was talking to her own self i wish i could have been the one she shared that conversation with cause loneliness is a plague she's too young to get infected 1 comment|post comment

so so sorry [18 Sep 2004|08:11pm] [ music | evergreen terrace- dear livejournal (how ironic) ] i dont know how i manage to fail you time and time again. i have come to a solid conclusion that i am a bad human being, if not for jesus, i would appear as nothing but worthless to God. i just dont know, i'm pretty sad right now. post comment

[10 Sep 2004|05:36pm] i dont feel very wanted right now. i actually feel quite unapreciated. i'm very sad. i punched a cement wall a few times and my hand is bleeding. at least i didn't cut myself right? no! i'm still so weak that i have to take my poor emotions out through physical pain. worthless. post comment

Bleeding [01 Sep 2004|12:40pm] Why can’t I swallow my pride? Suck this up and stop the bleeding I want to call But does she want me to call I bleed internally And a simple phone call could work as a cleansing band-aid I cry externally And a simple conversation would work for a wiping tissue Flash backs of razor blades I see these nights of tears Over and over again They’re here again But the razors are not If I can’t solve this I will loose my mind I don’t like crying But all the same I can’t stop it post comment

[14 Aug 2004|01:34am] I'm sorry. post comment

[14 Aug 2004|01:30am] [ mood | emotionless ] i feel like cancer plaguing those who love me I'll feed off of your happiness To supply my selfishness He demands selflessnes But I bring Him nothing I bring all of you nothing So why do you care Is there anybody who needs me as much as I need them? Does anybody care if I die? Cause I don't, and neither does He. Sleep, enjoy the pleasure I am not blessed with Enjoy your rest because depression will hit us all I will fail My faith My morals My beliefs My promises My edge My emotions I will fail post comment

The Light [08 Aug 2004|03:40am] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | mercy me- in the blink of an eye ] Tonight the one i love was having a hard time. i decided to walk to her house; i cannot wait untill the day when we never have to be alone/apart from each other. she ended up falling asleep so i layed down in this little patch of flowers (btw, they smelled beautifully) and stared at the stars. i noticed a street lamp about 10 feet away that was flickering and sort of struggling to stay lit. it eventually died out but then lit back up only to be brighter than it was ever before it's struggle. this probably sounds dumb, but i can relate my life to this street lamp. i am almost to the point of my light/fire for God going out, but i'm just starting to come back around. any day now, i will shine the light of jesus brighter than i ever have. thank you God for Jesus, and thank you Jesus for all that you did. not only did you save me, but you saved the ones i love, the thought of them going to hell makes me sick to my stomach. thank you for showing me the meaning of love Jesus. I lie, watching this street lamp flicker Struggling to continue life Fading slowly to a dimly lit bulb Eventually coming to a complete darkness Sulked up in the black of night Life is gone, hope as well For some reason, The lamp will not give in to death, failure From the depths of this coma Life shoots back into this soldier The light shines once again I wont give up, this soldier's not done post comment

[27 Jul 2004|11:19am] [ mood | loved ] I could die No one would care - but you would mourn I could commit suicide No one would notice I'm gone - but you would cry I could slit my wrists No one would care - but you would stop me I could move away No one would notice I'm gone - but you would come with me I could fail No one would care - but you would be proud of me for trying I could quit the band No one would notice I'm gone - but you would stop listening to them I could be lonely No one would care - but you would drop everything to be with me I could stop going to church No one would notice I'm gone but you would bring me back I could be alone forever No one would care - but you, you decide not to let that happen 2 comments|post comment

Until Then [14 Jul 2004|09:45am] [ mood | madly in-love ] [ music | the early november ] i haven't posted here in a while, and i'm pretty sure nobody reads this, i guess it's just for my own peace of mind. if you see something and like it, feel free to comment. God has not given up on me The problem. I’ve given up on myself God is not dead The problem. I let my faith die long ago I am not God’s unwanted child He did not die So that I could fall away I’ll come back From this path I’ve gone astray I’m sorry God Sorry for waiting so long I’m so sorry Sorry that I’m not done waiting But I swear… I’ll come back Until then…thank you for her 2 comments|post comment

In A Rush [11 Jun 2004|07:09pm] I will make up for lost time Tonight I will make it up For all the time you were busy I’ll make up every second With a cut Each cut With significance One for every second you spent with him I hope you enjoy seeing me bleed Because I know it feels good for me It feels better than any emotion you’ve ever given me It feels better than any sensation you’ve forced on me This could have been avoided If you would have just talked Made things right Why the confrontation Does it make you feel powerful To make me hurt Cuts for every second Cuts for being a bad boyfriend Maybe if I make you feel bad for me You won’t realize how bad a boyfriend I am So I’ll give you this distraction As if it was your fault Look at the blood Its so beautiful ****I'm not going to cut so dont be worried, it is just a poem, describing how i feel**** 3 comments|post comment

Engravings Tell All [06 Jun 2004|09:54pm] So here, I can try again My attempt is over Before it even starts I’ve failed again Proved myself worthless Just like my leg Engravings tell all “I am worthless” No you’re not She says But obviously I have no value to you Or you wouldn’t take my tender emotions Drag them on the asphalt behind you As you drive on the streets With signs reading “One way street” For you…. Love is a one way street A street I wish I’d never gotten on Cause you went the wrong way And now I’m dead Spiritually, emotionally But physically, I can feel this, I can feel it well, I like it post comment

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